fire & water

Once, a long time ago, I felt I belonged to this world.  I felt I belonged to this earth.  I felt Human, and not because I had emotions, because I still have those, but because I had a fire that threatened to burn out of my skin.  It was like wildfire.  I didn't know what I burned for, I just had hot white heat that pushed every nerve ending in my body.  It propelled me forward, but blindly.


I burned and burned, and it felt like that was all I did.  I burned and razed the ground.  I didn't know what kind of human I wanted to be, but I did know what I did not want to be.  Oh sure, I sort of knew-- I knew I wanted to be a good person, but I failed to think about what being a good person really meant to me, so I really didn't know anything at all.


I always knew what I didn't want, so I just kept eliminating those things.  The fire I had wasn't meant to propel me forward, it was meant to to destroy me.  I knew suddenly and violently that I did not want to be the way I was, so I changed and burned it all to ashes and flung it into the wind.


Now, I no longer feel quite Human, just a smoking silhouette of the human I used to be, because somewhere along the way I forgot what human meant to me.  I thought when I graduated college I would know again, and I didn't.  I was fire, and now I want to be water, but instead I've become smoke in the process.  I feel like I was able to think much better before, with all that fire and that feeling of being human, but I know that is not true.  I know I am able to think better now without the insane pulsing hot heat.


I don't know what I'm existing for.  Now, I'm no existentialist-- I don't care about what is the purpose of life, why are we here and to what end when we will just pass away one day.  I know I have a purpose.  I know that as surely as I can feel my own pulse right now.  I can't say what my purpose is anymore, but I'll find it though, because I can feel it there.  It's waiting for me and I will find it.


Finding it will be exhilirating.  My expedition will be painful.